Don't Be A Dick ...

5 reasons not to be a penis...

1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then Faint.

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Hump Day Potpourri ...

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Sperm.. The Other White Goo

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Dear Penis...

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Happy Thanksgiving...

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Turkey Time Two ...

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Turkey Time ...

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Blowjob Etiquette

Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

8. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

9. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

10. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

11. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

12. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

13. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

14. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

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iPod... Microsoft... Save A Virgin...

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Mad Cow

A severe case of Mad Cow .....


Mad Cow - .

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5 Women Go Into 11 Tits How Many Times?

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A Memo From Human Resources

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You, Human Resources
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That's Going To Hurt In The Morning

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Head.. Hunting.. Pussy..

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The Penis Wants a Raise ...

The Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in high temperatures.
6. I work in a damp environment.
7. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
8. My work exposes me to diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the
management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the Management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other
locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be Pressured and Stimulated in order
to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting
the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, Management

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Love Is.. No.. Penis Mishap..

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Dumb Ass!

If he doesn't qualify as a dumb ass, I don't know who does ....



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Testosterone & Estrogen

Testosterone & Estrogen
by Matt Groening ... the creator of "The Simpsons".

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
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