Homer Simpson Quotes

1 "Mmmm, free goo."
2 "Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers."
3 "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
4 "Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"
5 "I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES."
6 "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!
7 "When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"
8 "Trying is the first step towards failure."
9 " What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?"
10 "They have the Internet on computers, now?"
11 "Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button."
12 "Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
13 "Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."
14 "Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow."
15 "Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."
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Testosterone & Estrogen

Testosterone & Estrogen
by Matt Groening ... the creator of "The Simpsons".

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
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